It starts with me
In the spirit of the holidays, I’ve shared about dealing with difficult people by practicing equanimity and loving-kindness.
Today, let’s talk about forgiveness.
I’m thinking about a situation where a colleague said something wildly transphobic right to my face. She was so cheerfully ignorant, so self-assured in her harmdoing, and so senior in the company ranking that I could only grimace in silence as she smiled brightly, microwaved her lunch, and skipped back to her office. “You get what I mean, right Grace?”
I wanted to vomit on her hair, Exorcist style.
For the rest of the work day, I couldn’t focus; I nursed a gnawing headache; I was obsessed with anger and resentment. I tried all the tricks to overcome this discomfort: went for a long and vigorous walk; practiced loving-kindness meditation; contemplated the whole mass of suffering that is inherent within this realm of samsara. Finally, hours later, I sat down with my anger—and asked it, “Where are you coming from?”
I closed my eyes and listened to my pain. And as it unfolded I saw images of myself in the past, making ignorant remarks of my own. Saying things that were also wildly incorrect. Harmful. Diminishing the beliefs and identities of others—friends, family, students.
I realized that, although my anger was pointed at my colleague, the source of that anger was really myself and my past.
The lunch room interaction had only agitated a nascent abscess of shame—caused it to swell up and burst open. And now it needed cleaning. That is, I needed to accept the fact that I’d also caused pain to others; to let remorse flow through my heart; to assure myself that I never meant to harm anyone, and if I knew any better, I wouldn’t have said any of those things.
Then I reminded myself of the times when, after I did become more educated about different political beliefs and social identities, I became an advocate for the same groups I’d once harmed. And I reached a point of thorough forgiveness for myself—because I’m learning, I’m growing, I can make mistakes, and I’m always doing the very best with what I have.
My gnawing headache then cleared up at once, when I realized, ugh, fine, it’s okay for my colleague to make mistakes too.
She is also learning, growing, and doing the best with what she has. If she knew what ignorance was spewed that day, she would’ve been mortified. With even an ounce of education about gender research, she would’ve chatted about the weather instead. Though, with the way the world is growing around trans identities, she’ll probably realize soon what damage she’s done.
And when it happens, I don’t need her to beat herself up.
I only wish for her to forgive herself, too.
“When you get angry at an angry person, you just make things worse for yourself.
When you don’t get angry at an angry person, you win a battle hard to win.”
—Gotama Buddha, Samyutta Nikaya 7.2
Explore compassion with Monkey
The biggest reason I published Deathless Monkey is because of its impact on its first readers, who dramatically expanded their understanding around compassion by following Monkey’s epic journey—including his journey to self-forgiveness. Click here to see if this book might inspire your favorite reader friend (adults or young adults 13+).